[01.12] TODD

What is the worst thing you've done to another human being?

[todd] Hmm...I don’t know. I'm a nice guy. I try not to...so the worst thing? I didn't like working with a guy one time so I did what I could to get him out of my company. He lost his job because of me.

So what did you do?

[todd] I wasn't lying or anything. I told them things that...I told the boss the things he was doing wrong. I guess I was a fink. Companies don't need people like that anyway. I guess that would have to be the worst thing, I can’t really think of one.

Wow, this guy must've been some kind of jerk, eh?

[todd] No, he was a nice enough guy and all. Actually, I kinda liked him. (pause) He did some good stuff for the company. We're definitely better in some ways because of him. I just didn't think he was the right guy for the job.

What happened?

[todd] They fired him. Just walked him out the door.

How did that make you feel?

[todd] I never really thought about it. Looking back now...(pause). I mean, the guy had a family and all.

What do you do most days between the hours of 8:00 AM and 9:00 AM?

[todd] I'm working.

What do you do most nights between the hours of 10:00 PM and 11:00 PM?

[todd] Drink Beer. I drink beer at those hours.

Where, how, and with who?

[todd] At my local watering hole where I hang my hat and everybody knows my name.

What is the biggest sacrifice you've made for someone else?

[todd] Biggest sacrifice? Is there a time limit? (Laughs)

No, I got plenty of space.

[todd] Biggest sacrifice, made for somebody else? (pause) Recently I've put my entire life on hold for someone else. I stopped working, paid her bills, everything.

If you could erase one mistake in your life, what would it be?

[todd] I guess I've thought that one through already. I don’t know if it’s a mistake, but I always wished that I visited my grandma when she was dying. I was there but only my family members went in. She died in her bedroom, she was there for good month. And we went there all the time. I always thought that I wanted to remember my grandma as she was. But, after she died, I felt bad that I never went in and saw her. That one has bugged me for long time.

What is the last thing that was stolen from you?

[todd] Substantially? I mean everybody gets CDs stolen, but substantially... Cash, out of my car while I was in it.

Really, you were robbed?

[todd] No, it was an employee of mine that I paid that day, then I had my pay check, and apparently he thought I didn’t pay him enough so he took more cash from my pocket.

What is your most deviant behavior?

[todd] Through my whole life?

Yeah, the most.

[todd] I am a good kid. (laughs). But I guess I have a bad habit of vandalizing.

What do you mean? Do you, like spray paint gang graffiti?

[todd] I stick baloney to cars. After I get home from the bar I sometimes go out and stick baloney to cars in my neighborhood.

You stick baloney to cars?

[todd] When you stick baloney to cars, the acid in the baloney... In the morning, when they take the baloney off, the car will be polka-dotted. That would be the most deviant.

Is there a proper way take the baloney off, so it won’t spot your car?

[todd] No, once its on, the damage is done.

Why do you do this?

[todd] Inner demons. Things I can’t control. Things that I can control but, because of the inner demons, for some reason I don't.

What makes you personally and deeply sad?

[todd] What makes me personally and deeply sad? Well, I've gone a new kick lately.

Yeah, what's that?

[todd] The whole global warming thing and what we can do about it. They say that you need to vote. But that's bullshit. I mean, what good is one fucking vote going to do. I can't make a difference. It's same thing with helping the Earth out.

It’s hard for me to understand. I can't do that much. I can collect grey water. I can not use nitrogen based soil. You know, cut down on all the CO2. I can do my part, but me doing my part won’t do anything. Everybody else needs to do it.

There are people out there who give seminars and tell people what's happening. I think people are getting smarter, but its just not happening fast enough. And when you really look at it, we're done for. Unless somebody does something. I don't think there is much else to think about these days. Because we're done for. Sooner or later.

Addiction comes in many forms. What are you addicted to?

[todd] I am addicted to cigarettes. I have a really hard time if I don’t drink coffee too. I'm really addicted to cigarettes but I don't think I have an addictive personality. I smoke weed. There are times where I can go months without smoking it. Without a problem. I don’t feel I have an addictive personality. But, when it comes to cigarettes, I am going to die. That’s my addiction.

Who do you owe an apology to and why haven't you or won't you give it to them?

[todd] Who do I owe an apology to? I owe an apology to my whole father's side of the family, for not being there and not keeping in contact. I won’t give them an apology, because they won’t accept it. They do the same thing to me.

It's a social disease that my Dad's side of the family has. Nobody talks to each other. Apologies aren't needed. And they don’t care anyway. But I feel bad and I sometimes wonder if they feel bad about it. My grandmother was the only one who held us all together and I can’t give her apology because she died about two weeks ago. And I felt bad about that. I do wish that Dad's side of the family was closer.

What fears haunt you?

[todd] Procrastination. Not following through with goals, feeling like it's all talk. I fear that I talk for nothin'. Fears are good, because you try to overcome them. I fear that I won’t go through with my goals, therefore I must go through my goals.

What can keep you from accomplishing your goals?

[todd] Me. I will be what keeps me from my goals. There are some goals of mine that I'm certain I won't be accomplishing.

If you had to guess, how will you die?

[todd] One or two things. (Laughs) One of three things....

Tell me the three...

[todd] On my mom's side of the family, they've all died of lung cancer or something like that. I am not smart enough. I smoke a lot of cigarettes. I can very well die of that, that’s what happens. Oh yeah, I am also addicted to salt, and its an honest to God addiction, It tastes awesome, And I'm going to die of high cholesterol. I don’t know which one will come first.

Those are preventable. Do you have any intentions of not dying from cancer or a heart attack?

[todd] Those would be how I would die if I lived that long. There is no way I'll live long enough to die from cancer.

Why not?

[todd] Because I'm going to kill myself. I don't know when or where but that is definitely how I'm going to die. One of these days I'm gonna just do it. I am going to jump off that hundred foot bridge or...you know. (starts to cry)

Hey, you must not mean that. I'll bet you've got people in your life that really care for you.

[todd] My grandmother was the only person that ever gave a shit about me. And now she's dead. Other than that everyone hates me.



Let's move on to something a little more positive.

Who is your biggest fan?

[todd] Who is my biggest fan? My little brother. He's eight years old and I am twenty eight. He loves me to death.

See, you're little brother cares about you. He wants you to stick around.

[todd] He's just a little kid. He don't know shit yet. Won't be long til' he gets the same fuckin' disease that the rest of my family's got. He'll turn too.

When God grants you one answer, what will your question be?

[todd] They tell you right there when you get to the pearly gates. The answer to my question. Did I make it? Did I do all alright? It’s not like you get an answer that can help you. They can't tell you what you did wrong so you can go back and fix it. I guess that's what I'd ask, "How did I do?"

February 14th Blog Update

I have just learned that one of the participants in my project was brutally murdered on February 10th. My prayers go out to the family and I'm deeply saddened by this news. As everyone that participates in darwin's analog transgressions is anonymous I have no way to reach out to the family to express my condolences. I hope in some way our support and consideration makes it way to Todd's family.